If I were to describe my spiritual journey of the last few years I would tell you it has been marked by an increasing awareness of my woundedness. In the last four or five years the Holy Spirit has taken me deeper into my life to show me the wounds to my heart, where they have come from, and how they impact the way I live. This season has been an incredible time of awareness. The most influential realization of this time is that I believe a lie. I believe that at my core there is something wrong with me. This belief, this lie, influences the way I think, what that I say and do, and my emotions. This lie influences – no, it kills my Life.
Recently I have become increasingly frustrated with the lie. I have come to a certain amount of awareness of the lie, its origins and affects, but this awareness hasn’t changed anything. The awareness hasn’t allowed me to move on, to conquer the lie. Awareness does not equal healing. Or as my buddy John Eldredge puts it, “Understanding does not equal healing. Clarity does not equal restoration. Many men understand their wounds; can talk about them with great clarity. Yet, they remain unfinished men, haunted by their memories, crippled by the wounds.”
Looking at the road I travel it becomes clear that God has me turning a corner. If the last few years have been a time of heightened awareness, I suspect in the next years He will lead me into greater healing. I had a meeting with a spiritual mentor last week, and it was through his direction that I had the following experience.
In front of me as if through a window I see a desert, dry and parched. It is desolate; it is hot. There is no living thing anywhere, and the name of this desert if Death. It is what I believe God has for me in life, and I can feel this in the pit of my stomach. It is the reality in which I live.
Now God is standing beside me. He steps forward, places a hand on the window, and begins to rub at it. The desert begins to wipe away as if it has been painted on the window, and as he wipes the desert away a lush and beautiful forest is revealed beyond the window. The forest is green and full. A gentle, refreshing breeze flows through the leaves. This forest is alive; it is full of life.
After wiping the last bit of desert from the window God says, “This is your heart. Your eyes have been wounded. You see a barren desert where there is a beautiful, flourishing forest. Your heart is a beautiful forest overflowing with life.”
Father, give me new eyes to see what my heart truly is.